I know I’ve been gone a while.
For about a year I have struggled to find my passion, it went from fitness to food and then completely diminished (hence the year-long hiatus). This past year I have been on a journey, which to me, seemed like I had lost my way, my groove, my passion. I thought I was at a standstill, not progressing and just going through the motions of student life, completing a graduate program in psychology.
But now I have found it, passion.
The passion for helping, the desire for starting a conversation of mental health and psychology that (I feel) is lacking around the world today.
How did I find my real passion?
Let me take you back.
You see, before this; I had always had a passion for the mind and understanding what makes people do the things they do. What makes people chose themselves over their family? What makes people have altered thoughts and delusions? What makes people so aggressive and unhappy? What makes people not like what they see in the mirror?
Those questions were always something I loved about psychology. From a young age I came from a “broken home” (not really because I had love and support from my mum, grandma, even my uncle and aunty), but what I mean by a broken home is that it didn’t consist of my mum who was married to my dad. He left when I was six, to “get his act together” and follow a path of spirituality and religion.
Growing up I had stable role models, who mean the world to me (on my mum’s side) but I also had ones who were different, who thought differently, who had mental illnesses.I know this because my mum and I had many conversations about the possibility of having a mental illness, given it’s a 50% chance if one or both of your parents have one.
I didn’t develop any psychological disorder or illness. Not developing one made me want to help those who didn’t know how to help themselves even more.
Growing up was hard, not going to lie but it made me who I am today, it made me independent and resilient (or so I thought). I always followed to the beat of my own drum. Until one day I didn’t. At the end of high school, I told friends close to me that I wanted to be a psychologist, to help people in need, especially the ones who had no idea how to help themselves (as that’s how I often felt). A handful told me to do it, all except one.
They told me I wasn’t smart enough, that I wouldn’t make it. The worst thing I ever did was believe them. I got my marks back, and they were low, five marks off the cut-off (even to this day, they are), this solidified that I wasn’t smart enough either. All of the universities I applied to rejected me, except one. So, I packed my life into a few bags and was bound for Melbourne (originally from Sydney).
The next two years I devoted my time to a course I didn’t love and didn’t thrive in. Until one day I met someone, a force to be reckoned with. They said “fuck that; you’re smart enough to do what you want to do. Look how much you’ve helped me”. And so, when it came time to enrol in university again, I began my journey to be a psychologist and I haven’t looked back since. I graduated in 2017 with a degree in psychological science and went on to do a graduate diploma in the hope of getting into honours in 2019 (need to do this if you want to be a psychologist).
Even though I was hoping to get into honours this year (2018, for future reference) my marks were again too low. But not because I wasn’t smart enough, because life throws you curve balls just to see how much you can take. Mine was a break up towards the end of graduation. After three years, an apartment and a cat named Bella, it was all over.
The struggle was real.
I ended up being so, for lack of a better word “broken” that I packed a bag and moved in with a friend and her partner right at the beginning of exams. In this time, I moved again, put my heart back together, and luckily passed all my subjects enough to graduate. Even though it was enough to graduate, it wasn’t enough for honours.
Instead of giving up and believing that I wasn’t good enough, I had a backup plan (graduate diploma) to get my grades up enough to hopefully be considered for honours next year (2019), which as I write this, am still waiting on.
The thing I love most about this journey I started was that I had met so many great people going through their own struggles, dealing with their own demons but still make it out of bed in the morning. This journey has also given me skills that allow for deeper relationships and understandings of people and what they are going through.
I like to think over the past three years (going on four) that I have helped someone, somehow, whether that be listening, giving advice, or even just a simple smile or hug.
That’s what I want this blog to be about.
So often we struggle to be understood by others, we never really feel like someone is listening, or that anyone cares.
But they do.
I want to write about struggle, experiences, and things that many of us can relate to. I want to start a conversation, so you feel less alone and feel more wanted in this world.
Today, mental health and conversations about mental health lack, at least in Australia (don’t get me started on how we’re so behind than other countries). We hardly have any services available that everyone is able to reach, or able to pay for.
This blog aims to inspire you through knowledge, education, and conversation and I hope it does just that. I would love to hear from you and read about your experiences and how it has made you into the beautiful person you are today.
From a professional point of view, it’s important to recognise your feelings, and if that’s by writing them down- go for it. That’s my favourite way; if you look in my notes on my phone, you will see so many that are just me processing my feelings when I feel them. If you don’t know how that’s okay because I will share that with you in the posts to come.
This one is just to extend a hand, to let you know you’re not alone and the feelings you have are valid and real. And feeling these, all of them will allow for better ones to come. I’ll be your hope when you’re struggling to find some. I get what it’s like to fight on the inside and in life, you’re not alone.